• DB

Holy TESTicles!!

So let’s have a quick review of the events so far starting off with the ‘let’s have kids, it’ll be a hoot’ conversation:

  1. The wife’s normality chip has been taken out aka the Rod

  2. I’ve head butted the floor at the medical centre, twice, for good measure and ended up with a free ride in an ambulance

  3. Two years of non stop sex

Now you’re probably thinking that number 3 doesn’t sound all that much of a hardship, but after a while you start to think, hmmm something isn’t quite right here. I mean first of all this is what we as humans do, it goes right back to the caveman days. Find a mate, bash on head with w club, get some afternoon delight and boom offspring are produced. But two years down the line we weren’t getting anywhere.

Looking back on it now I can’t actually remember the moment we kinda stopped trying to have a child and just went back to two kids in love having fun. But alas our desire for a family drove us to seek out professional help.

I will say at this point the thought of ‘oh it’s me’ ran through my head and the feeling of utter disappointment in my lack of ability to help my wife, my best friend and my lover have a child was crippling. I’ve never told her that but I’m sure she could see it on my face. I mean how much more less of a man could I feel, she’d already seen me faint twice at the sight of a tiny bit of blood!

Speaking to our GP about our struggles to fall pregnant did offer some glimmer of hope. The questions about our sex life, lifestyle and other aspects of life lead to one major factor that we both needed to do something about, our weight. The Doctor, who was so understanding called for what seemed like a smorgasbord of tests on both of us. Each test, which included several blood tests, invasive tests for her, and for me, well I had to get personal with a cup!

The first attempt went smoothly enough, conjuring up images in my head I deposited a part of me into the tube I’d been given. Now if you’ve ever done this there are some rules you have to abide by. First off you cannot under any circumstances have any form of release in the days leading upto the sample being collected. Now let me state this, for someone who fancies the actual pants of his wife and on the odd occasion enjoys a bit of self indulgence this was an extremely difficult task to complete. Rushing straight to the path lab at the local hospital I felt pretty certain I knew the result already. Hearing back from the GP a day or two later I was informed that there wasn’t enough deposit to conduct a thorough test and would I mind providing another sample. ‘Are you fricking kidding me?!’ So same as before; image in my head, tube, deposit, path lab, wait. A day later ringing to get my shitty results, the lady on the phone didn’t quite know how to tell me that they had lost my sample and that they would need yet another sample.

Now,question here at this point, how the hell do you loose a tube full of sperm?! I mean it isn’t something that you just leave lying around! So for the 3rd time and by now I am very frustrated in many ways I make my final deposit. This time though, I made sure that it was plentiful in its supply, kept warm and rushed straight to where it needed to go. It was kept warm between my wife’s legs and then in my pocket. Have you ever walked through a busy hospital with sperm in your pocket?! Well I have and you know what, every person I walked by, I thought they knew what was in my pocket!

The results were back, our GP met with us and we’ll she said, there’s good news and bad news, which would you like first?! Well obviously Doc we want the bad news!! She proceeded with the better news, I had 60% mobility which apparently is more than average. I have never been so glad to be called ‘more than average!’ In my life! The not so great news was the Morphology, which to the non medically trained means the shape and size of my sperm. Some had two heads, some had two tails, some even had both. I though bingo, mutant X Men swimmers, but no this isn’t something to be celebrated it turned out. I meant that although my little guys were moving there was a possibility that they wouldn’t make it to where they needed to be and do their job right.

Wow, yet again it’s me, my balls don’t work. I absolutely knew it would be me. All the tests on my wife came back clear and negative for anything that would be stopping us having a family. I felt like the bottom had just fallen out of my world. I will admit that I didn’t feel particularly good at this point. We even started to talk about different options, adoption and IVF were banded about as possible avenues of having a family.

Going home and feeling pretty deflated we spent the rest of that day at home wondering what and if there was anything else we could do. The Doctor referred us to a fertility nurse who was going to help us in any way she could, however before any possible treatments could begin we needed to shift some weight as this was a major factor that wasn’t helping. So off to a well known Weight Watching Group we went and the pounds became to fall off and the journey towards starting our own family stepped a gear!

And for now that’s the story for today...

Love DB

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